There are so many emotions running through my mind today as we spend our final day at home before our little peanut arrives. Tomorrow is the big day. I am scheduled to go in at 6:30 am tomorrow to start our induction. The pain I will endure tomorrow to bring our little girl into this world is nothing compared to the pain that she will have to endure just to stay in this world with us. I pray everyday for a miracle and remain positive that the medical field will keep advancing and she will live a long and happy life. Our little peanut may only have half a heart, but she will be a fighter and one strong little girl.
As I try to get last minute things done around the house; oh you know like packing our bags for the hospital.....I get stopped by my emotions and need to take a moment to myself. There is just a lot going through my head. Every emotion imaginable has occurred in the last few weeks, but as we inch closer to meeting our daughter and leaving our older kids for a bit to take care of her, those emotions get stronger. There is so much unknown that we are facing.
A local heart mom that reached out to me after our daughter's diagnosis is currently in the hospital with her daughter right now as her little girl recovers from her second open heart surgery. Our little girl's do not have the same heart defect, but they will both have the same second surgery. I showed Chris a picture of my heart mom friend's little girl from yesterday right after surgery and he made the comment that he wasn't ready for that yet. I don't think a parent is ever ready for something like that. We are of course overjoyed at the thought of getting to meet our little girl tomorrow; but we are also scared out of our minds. Seeing our 6 y/o with her severely broken arm last weekend and spending the evening with her in the ER shook us to the core. Life can be hard, but we are ready to fight the fight and put our best foot forward everyday.
There will always be the emotions.....how can there not be.
Joy that we are completing our family and that we were blessed with a baby girl, special heart and all.
Anger that our daughter has to go through so much just to stay with us and will have a lifetime of required medical care.
Guilt that our older kids have to be so confused during this time and shuffled around. Guilt that Addison is taking on so much, and now with breaking her arm she has even more challenges.
Sadness that I can't be there for all my kids. Anyone that knows me knows that I HATE to be away from my kids. Even when they are driving me crazy, I still want to be the one tucking them in at night.
Fear of what is up ahead and for each known event, there are the unknowns that lurk behind them.
Hopeful that with each day the medical field will improve and hopeful that there will be more awareness for CHD's so that our little peanut can continue to receive the best medical care possible for such a complex heart defect and she will go on to live a long and fulfilling life.
Happiness of course. Happiness that even though we don't know the reason behind everything that happens in our life, we have been blessed with great family and friends to support us along the way. Happy that tomorrow our little girl will be here and we can start a new chapter in our journey of mending her heart. It will never be whole and it will never be "fixed", but it will be full of life and love.
Thankful that she has so many people on her side fighting for her and that she has a big sister and brother that are so excited to meet her.
Tomorrow will be hard, and we know there will be even harder days ahead of that. But we will remain positive, enjoy every ounce of progress and keep looking forward to the day that we get to bring our baby girl home to be a family all under one roof.
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